omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
