you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
