I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
