so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Randomize
