i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
