I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
the raccoons are back...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
