my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
