never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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