There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
