Cold hands, warm shart.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
