I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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