my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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