Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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