This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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