my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
