her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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