I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
