I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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