So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
