Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
its liver damage thursday
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
