hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
