Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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