I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
