its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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