She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
