I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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