He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
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A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
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Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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