Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize