Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
