i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
