if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
