That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
