Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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