The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
