happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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