I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
