I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
two words...techno handjob
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize
