OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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