So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
