the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
