Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
