i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
