i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
