OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
