I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
