i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
