i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
