chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
