I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
