I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
