at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
