I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
no you cant smoke seaweed
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
did you just send me my own nude
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
