Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm eating all of the evidence.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
