My hand turned me down
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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