fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
