If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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