Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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