He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
