If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
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Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
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my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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