Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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